The dark lords 100 ways to relieve boredom
by the true elec
Summary: 5 years after the battle of Hogwarts, but Voldemort won, now along with Wormtail, Lucius and his other deatheaters he is trying to find the best ways to relieve boredom. Randomness and hilarity ensue.
1. The dark lord gets a great idea

Chapter 1: The Dark Lord Comes Up With A Great Idea Chapter 1: The Dark Lord Comes Up With A Great Idea

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, if I did you would all still be waiting for the third book.

A/N: So here it is the first chapter of my first full story, I hope, thank you for your patience, all one of you who has been waiting for this. Please remember to review when you're done. Thanks go to James018 who got me to finish this chapter and put it up and even added some parts into the story.

Tom Riddle a.k.a. Voldemort and Peter Pettigrew a.k.a. Wormtail were in the Minister of Magic's office and Voldemort was incredibly bored.

"I'm incredibly bored," said Voldemort.

"What are you going to do to relieve your boredom?" asked Wormtail.

"As you know I've decided to write a book so no one else will be in my situation, but I can't come up with anything so you need to tell me what to do." Voldemort informed Wormtail.

"Well maybe you could…" Wormtail started.

"I've done that already," Voldemort interrupted because he was using Legilimency.

"In that case you could always…" Wormtail began.

"That's too childish," Voldemort stopped him.

"You could always try…" Wormtail trailed off halfway expecting his master to interrupt him, and he did.

"If you're not going to give me any good ideas then I'll just have to Crucio you." Voldemort pointed his wand at Wormtail who began cowering in fear and moving any sharp objects away from him.

"_Crucio!_" Voldemort's spell hit Wormtail and he was instantly writhing around in pain.

"Hey, this is kind of fun," Voldemort commented. "I think I just found number one on my '100 ways to relieve boredom' list."

Keeping his wand pointed at Wormtail, Voldemort bent over his computer and typed, '**No. 1: Crucio Wormtail**'

"Master, shouldn't the magical barrier around the Ministry of Magic stop the computer from working?" Wormtail pointed out.

"And shouldn't you still be under the effect of the Cruciatus curse?" Voldemort replied.

"Very good point, Master." Wormtail obediently continued rolling on the ground and shrieking.

" Of course it is, I don't need you pointing out the complete obvious, I've already given that job to someone else." Voldemort was getting angry at Wormtail for forgetting the meeting that happened two days ago. "Lucius!" he yelled.

"Yes, Master?" came a voice from down the hallway.

"Get over here and help me relieve my boredom," Voldemort ordered.

Lucius Malfoy ran into the room and instantly suggested the one thing he knew his master would want to do – "Crucio Wormtail?"

"I've already done that. What else?" Voldemort replied.

"Kill Harry Potter?" Lucius suggested.

"I've already done that! I thought that even you would have worked _that_ out." Voldemort was getting annoyed.

"You could take over the rest of the world." Lucius' thick skull prevented him from realizing that if Voldemort wanted to do that he would have.

"If I wanted to do that I would have," Voldemort repeated the last part of my narration.

"Crucio Wormtail?"

"You've already said that! _Crucio!_" Voldemort Crucioed his dumbest Death Eater.

"This is almost as good as Crucioing Wormtail. Congratulations, Lucius, you've just given me my number 2 on my '100 ways to relieve boredom' list." Voldemort typed '**No. 2: Crucio Lucius**' onto his computer.

"I'm glad to be of service, Master," Lucius said as soon as he could.

"Of course you are, now go away, you're not needed for the rest of the scene," Voldemort instructed.

As Lucius sulked away, wondering what his master meant by 'scene', Voldemort suddenly came up with a great idea.

"I know what number 3 is going to be!" Voldemort bragged. "I am going to play the Muggle game poker with my favorite Death Eaters."

"So who will be playing?" Wormtail asked.

"Lucius, Bellatrix and Narcissa and _not_ you," Voldemort said while writing '**No. 3: Play poker**' on the computer.

"I shall go and inform them of the poker match, Master," Wormtail said as he left to inform them of the poker match.

"And I shall stay here doing horrible and evil things, like advertising a product on eBay but not having the product so when someone buys it I'll get the money and they will be left waiting!" Voldemort looked up after his speech only to realise that Wormtail was already out of sight. "Note to self," he muttered to himself, "make evil speeches shorter."

As the poker game wasn't to be until six o'clock, Voldemort still had three hours, forty-two minutes and twenty-nine seconds, twenty-eight, twenty-seven… well you get the idea. To kill time he walked around the Ministry, blowing up clocks with his wand. He knew it wouldn't really kill time, but he appreciated the irony.

After three hours, seven minutes and twenty-seven seconds he got bored of that, at which time he typed '**No. 4: Blow up clocks**' onto his computer. It was then that he decided to explore what else was on his computer besides Word, which he thought was a stupid name, there was more then one word on his screen but the title didn't change to words. He found Solitaire and began playing it but realised after five minutes that beating himself was no fun and so he didn't put it on his list. After that he found the Internet, and after five minutes of trying to find a site he managed to get onto Google, don't ask me how he typed Google into the search box without knowing what it was. His curiosity got the better of him and he decided to see what the muggle world thought about the deceased Harry Potter. Needless to say he was stunned that there were so many dedicated to the brat. The first that sparked his curiosity, after twenty minutes of searching, was titled Mugglenet. He was curious how the filthy Muggles knew what the Wizarding world called them – he had forgotten that wizards all around England were calling them such.

Although he wanted to explore the site the poker match was coming up so he had to get ready, although he didn't actually have to do anything to get ready he liked to keep his guests waiting by pretending he was running late, he thought it was dastardly evil.

At that moment there was a knock on the door. "Hold on, I'm just getting ready," Voldemort began counting the five minutes he would make them all wait. Then he got sidetracked counting up the amount of time he had spent the few hours of alone time he had had (since he had destroyed all of the clocks) and was annoyed to find that his guests, knowing his habit of letting them in five minutes late, had called five minutes early.

Making a mental note to use Legilimency on whoever had come up with the idea to do this, which he forgot almost immediately, Voldemort opened the door and let in the guests for his poker match, and Wormtail who was to keep the snack level high.

"Welcome to the first of what is sure to be many Death Eater poker matches," Voldemort greeted his guests.

"Thank you for inviting us," The Death Eaters said in complete unison, which made them sound not menacing in the least bit.

"Well, don't just stand there. Come in and sit down," Voldemort said to his sniveling pathetic guests who each had a very sad excuse for a personality, I mean followers. "And Wormtail, hurry up with those snacks," he said to his sniveling pathetic servant who had a very sad excuse for a personality.

"Coming, Master," replied Wormtail, bringing Death biscuits and Death beer (they were Death Eaters, after all) to the table.

"Okay, first question, does everyone know how to play poker?" Voldemort asked his guests.

"Yes!" yelled out Lucius.

"Yes!" yelled out Bellatrix.

"Yes!" yelled out Narcissa.

"Pickle!" yelled out Wormtail. Voldemort stared at him questioningly. "What?" Wormtail asked innocently. "Everyone was yelling something out, I just wanted to fit in."

"And just for saying something that stupid I am going to Crucio you. _Crucio!_" said Voldemort, who found doing this so enjoyable he decided to add '**No. 5: Crucio Wormtail again**' to his list; however, because he had turned his computer off, he wrote it on the back of his hand.

The next day he realized he had done this in permanent texta.

Anyway, after this there was an awkward silence before finally Lucius asked, "Who's going to deal the first hand?"

"Let's play rock, paper, scissors to decide." Bellatrix suggested.

"That's a stupid idea! I know, we can play rock, paper, scissors to decide!" Voldemort said while giving his guests the evil eye.

"Great idea, Master," Lucius said in a sarcastic tone that Voldemort didn't pick up. The other three agreed in an equally sarcastic tone.

All four played rock paper scissors for five rounds; however, no one seemed capable of doing anything except rock. After realizing this, Voldemort decided to force Wormtail to deal the first hand (despite the fact that Wormtail wasn't playing) and the loser of each hand would deal the next one.

And so the poker game began. During the first game Voldemort got a pair of twos but because everyone else was so afraid of him he won the whole pot, which consisted of forty-two Galleons, two Sickles and seven Knuts.

The second game Voldemort got a royal flush, Narcissa got three three's, Bellatrix got a straight and Lucius got eight high. Voldemort collected the pot consisting of an amount of money I'm too lazy to describe.

The game went on for many hands, Voldemort purposely losing whenever the others money was running low, however Bellatrix had been eliminated and was forced to help Wormtail with the snacks and drinks. Of course after so many hands everyone had drunk a lot. Narcissa went so far as to state, "the drunker I sit here the longer I get."

As happens so often when people get drunk, Narcissa and Lucius got into many arguments, about things ranging from whether one cheated during a hand, to whether or not Draco would be able to play next time, to whether it was wrong that Lucius used more make up than Narcissa. That last argument lasted along time, although it went to various topics, revealing secrets that were supposed to never be revealed – including but not limited to that Narcissa is bald and wears a wig that is enchanted to behave like real hair, that Lucius has an IQ less than his shoe size and flunked out of Hogwarts in his fifth year, and that Narcissa and Lucius had been purposely losing so as to not anger the Dark Lord, who was so drunk by this stage he just laughed it off – though the next day, when he remembered, he forced them to write 'I will not cheat in poker' five hundred times on a blackboard.

This went on for a long time and was, apart from the arguments, very boring, as poker tends to be, so I won't bore you readers with the boring details. Eventually Voldemort won and Lucius came in second (don't ask me how). After the game Voldemort and his guests participated in a game of 'Crucio Wormtail', a simple game that involves Crucioing Wormtail until you get bored.

"Well, that was fun." Voldermort said when the game finally finished twelve hours later.

"For some, maybe." Wormtail commented cynically.

It was then Voldemort realized that Wormtail had been Crucioed so many times that he had become a sarcastic cynic.

"Oh crap!" was all he had to say.

A/N And there it is, the first chapter. Considering I came up with the idea about three months ago, it hasn't taken that long. Please review and tell me what you liked about it and how I can improve – the more reviews I get, the more inspired I'll be to update this story quickly! Also, any future 'ways to relieve boredom' would be appreciated – I can't come up with 100 all on my own! Oh, by the way, I know Lucius isn't really that dumb, but an incredibly dumb person always makes a story funnier in my opinion.


	2. Mugglenet and its many uses

Chapter 2: Mugglenet And Its Many Uses Chapter 2: Mugglenet And Its Many Uses

A/N: DISCLAIMER: I don't own Mugglenet, or its many uses, if you don't know what mugglenet is it is a Harry potter website and you should definitely check it out, after reading this chapter (I don't own the Princess Bride, either.) Although I also don't own Hyper force my friend does and I have written an episode and starred in it so I can use it. For the record Hyper Force is a T.V. my friend is developing and hasn't aired yet.

Again thanks to James018 for his input, betaing and constantly trying to get me to finish.

The next day Voldemort had a massive hangover, which he got rid of with a spell he had learnt from a friend when he was in his fifth year of Hogwarts. He then contemplated about why magic could get rid of a hangover but it couldn't cure baldness.

During this contemplation Voldemort thought about many things, why were Muggles so obsessed with celebrities that some based their lives around them? What was so great about watching two grown men in underwear pretending to beat each other up? It was during this time of thinking he gave Lucius and Narcissa their punishment; this made him remember more about what happened yesterday. Eventually he remembered the website Mugglenet and that he wanted to explore it. He turned on his computer and, after typing, '**No. 6: Visit Mugglenet**', he opened up the Internet and typed in the address of the Mugglenet website.

Immediately, Voldemort was intrigued by a link titled 'Wall Of Shame'. He clicked on it wondering if the brat was on it – this became '**No. 7: Read the Mugglenet Wall Of Shame**'. The letters and e-mails some people had sent through were so ridiculously stupid, Voldemort had never laughed so hysterically in his life (though this could just have been because he had never laughed before). Voldemort added another item to his list – '**No. 8: Laugh hysterically at the Mugglenet Wall Of Shame**' – and continued reading the wall of shame. He even called most of his Death Eaters to read it – they all laughed and Voldemort even broke a rib while laughing so hard. These events led to the next two additions of the list '**No. 9: Get your followers to laugh at the Mugglenet Wall Of Shame**' and '**No. 10: Break a rib laughing so hard at the Mugglenet Wall Of Shame**'. The list was fast growing.

He fixed his broken rib with a spell and then contemplated about why magic could mend a broken rib but it couldn't cure baldness. After much laughing Voldemort decided to see what was on the Wall Of Shame Special Edition. This proved to be even better than the original Wall Of Shame. Voldemort and the Death Eaters laughed so hard that Voldemort broke another rib – his next entry on his list was '**No. 11: Break another rib laughing so hard at the Wall Of Shame Special Edition**'. To think that people would think that Harry and Hermione liked each other, especially after what happened at the Yule Ball! Voldemort had rarely seen the brats but even he, who had no idea what love felt like knew that Ron was in love with Hermione. Laughing at the Wall Of Shame took up a lot of Voldemort's time and made all of the Death Eaters happy, something that had not happened since their favorite comedy show, Hyper Force, had been taken of the air.

Eventually Voldemort thought it best to begin searching through the rest of the website. The first interesting thing he came across was called 'Caption Contest'. He clicked on this and while it was loading typed in **'No.12: Read the Mugglenet Caption Contest.'** Instead of reading the newest Caption Contest he decided to read the top ten captions. The one that caught his attention was to a picture of Snape looking confused. The caption was as follows:

_Snape: So… you're telling me that's it?_

_J.K. Rowling: Yup._

_Snape: That's all?_

_J.K. Rowling: Mmhmm._

_Snape: I don't even take a side?_

_J.K. Rowling: Nope._

_Snape: So… you're going to make me die?_

_J.K. Rowling: Yes._

_Snape: On the first page…_

_J.K. Rowling: Yup._

_Snape: By /ichoking on a picklei?_

_J.K. Rowling: Does that bother you?_

_Snape: …_

This caught his attention because this was in fact how Snape died. The pickle at fault, Voldemort reminisced, had been "doctored" by him as a welcome back present for Snape when he had killed that old fool Dumbledore – after all, the Malfoy boy had been supposed to, hadn't he? Voldemort then contemplated about why magic could cause someone to choke on a pickle but it couldn't… well, I'm sure you get the idea by now.

Finally Voldemort remembered he was reading the Caption Contest. The Snape caption was by no means the only good one on the list. One caption stated that the grammatically correct term for Voldemort's widely used nickname was in fact You-Know-Whom, in honor of which Voldemort immediately made up a new law that anyone who used You-Know-Who ever again would be Avada Kedavra'd on the spot. Another caption stated "This caption not available due to writer's strike", which Voldemort didn't get until one helpful follower informed him that there had been a huge writer's strike in the Muggle world a few short months ago, after which Voldemort laughed so hard he forgot to Crucio that follower for knowing something about the Muggle world. His favorite caption of all, however, included 3 characters from _The Princess Bride_, mostly because he could relate to Vizzini's evil overlord monologue – in fact, he got so annoyed at that Inigo guy for suggesting that they follow the lighted signs saying "Exit" that he was about to Avada Kedavra the computer screen before Wormtail pointed out that if he killed the computer he wouldn't be able to access Mugglenet anymore.

Voldemort was having a lot of fun on Mugglenet so he decided to stay on it and look at the Fun Lists. The first one he clicked on was titled "44 Ways To Bother Snape". While the page was loading he typed in '**No. 13: Read the Mugglenet Fun Lists**'. The ways to annoy Snape were very good, Voldemort thought, and he was torn between amusement that he had done at least half of the things listed, and regret that he had never had the chance to do the other half. The second Fun List he looked at was "123 ways to annoy Voldemort". The items on the list were so annoying that just reading them annoyed Voldemort. Noticing this, Wormtail decided to send in a new item to the list: 'Get Voldemort to read this list'. He did this the next day and it was up within the hour.

Voldemort, after taking an hour to calm down and convince himself no one would have the guts to do any of the things on the list, decided to skip most of what else is on Mugglenet and go straight to a thing called fan fiction – he had never heard of this. His first impression was that it wasn't too flashy but he decided to investigate. He read a whole group of fan fictions; he was scarred for life by some slash fics, was kept on the edge of his seat by some of the more exciting fanfics – "Will the brats die? _Will the brats die?_" – and was incredibly disappointed that there were so few that show him as the great person he is. It was this fact that lead to him becoming a member of Mugglenet Fan Fiction – his user name was UWILLALLDIE27 – so that he could write his own fan fiction true to all the characters.

He typed '**No. 14: Write a fan fiction about the brats**' on his list. He then opened a new document in Microsoft Word, leaned over the keyboard and began to type.

A/N: So there it is, finished, a rather short chapter. Hopefully next chapter will make up for it – it'll be Voldemort's fan fiction with Wormtail sarcastically commenting on it.

Remember to review after reading, the more I get the faster I update. But don't expect an update this fast, I already had this written and the third is taking me a while.


	3. Voldemort's fanfiction

Chapter 3: The Dark Lord's fan fiction

Chapter 3: The Dark Lord's fan fiction

AN: This chapter is actually just Voldemort's fan fiction, everything in italics is Wormtail, who is Voldemort's beta reader, commenting on certain parts. Please note the 'golden trio' are portrayed the way they are because this is written by the Dark Lord, and he despises them. Sorry about the grammar, Voldemort never paid much attention in lessons at the orphanage.

Harry Potter and his annoying friends, book 1: The beginning of the story.

Summary: Ever read the Harry Potter stories and thought they were too good to be true, well they are. Introducing the true story of Harry Potter's seven years of Hogwarts.

Follow the crappy trio as they barely survive being beaten by their betters by pure luck. They will fall in love, fall out of love, and deny their true feelings until they are about to die.

This is the story that was never told, the true Harry Potter story, written by none other than the Dark Lord himself.

Chapter 1: The beginning of the beginning of the story.

_I like your originality, it really shines through._

It was a dark and stormy night. Actually it wasn't that dark or stormy and it was the middle of the day, but apart from that it was a dark and stormy night. _Again, very original. _Harry Potter was at King's Cross station trying to get to platform 9 ¾ which is strange because it is halfway between 9 and ten not three quarters. Of course Potter was to stupid to find his way onto the platform by himself, so he asked some other wizards and witches. And so he met the Weasleys. The Weasleys were a very poor family who never truly understood that pure bloods are the greatest and deserve to rule over everyone, yet be ruled over by a half blood. When Harry saw the Weasleys the twins, whose names I can't remember except they begin with an 'F' and a 'G' _I think it's Gred and Forge_ were entering the barrier. But Potter was so blind even with his glasses that he missed them going through so he had to ask the oldest looking of the group, Mrs. Weasley. Mrs. Weasley was to busy to notice Potter as she was trying to get dirt off of her youngest sons nose, and cheek, and forehead, and arm.

"Ummm excuse me but I'm trying to find platform 9 ¾, do you know where it is?" Harry asked. _Finally, some paragraphing._

"Well now dear it's just between platform nine and ten." Mrs. Weasley responded in that ridiculously cheery voice.

"Oh, you mean that wall that if I ran into would really hurt?" Harry asked, as he was to stupid to think there was magic involved.

"No silly, well yes it does look like a wall but if you go through it then you come out at the platform, you can go with my youngest son, Ron." Mrs. Weasley told the idiot, I mean Harry. _What's the difference._

And so both Harry and Ron ran through the barrier on to platform 9 3/4 , followed closely by Ginny and Mrs. Weasley.

"By the way I'm Harry Potter." Harry told the Weasleys before head onto the train.

"Mummy mummy, that was Harry Potter." Ginny told her mother.

"I know, he just told us that dear, Ron you should be getting onto the train." Mrs. Weasley told her two remaining children.

And so Ron hurried off to find a compartment with the idiotic Harry Potter.

A/N: Well I just don't seem to have much inspiration for this chapter and so it's very short. It isn't the end of Voldemort's chapter, that will be continued later. Please tell me what you think and whether you would like to see more of this. The more reviews I get the more I'll work on it.


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